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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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But then, I see this street vendor on the corner of Jhongjheng Road. He’s selling bubble tea. I’m like, “Okay, I need that.” I run over, and he’s super chill. He hands me a cup, and I’m like, “This better be worth it.” I take a sip, and it’s like heaven in a cup. I’m suddenly feeling better.

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